There is a big part of me that I have not wanted to write about for a long time now, but have needed to express in some way. Not really because of the stigma anymore, I’ve gotten over that with age, but because of the way people perceive those who actually write openly about it. I am one of the many that suffer from anxiety and depression. And no, I am not writing about this to get attention. While this is to help other people realize they are not alone and it is NORMAL, a big reason I’m writing this is that I just need to use this outlet I have created for myself and let it out.
Depression is a tricky beast. Most days I feel perfectly fine. And then out of nowhere it hits me like a brick wall. I can’t work, I can’t watch tv, I can’t see people. I don’t want to sleep, but I don’t want to get up. You feel like there isn’t anything in the world you can do to feel okay in that moment. The only solace you can take is in the fact that you know it will pass. I tell myself “this isn’t real. These are my hormones acting up or a chemical imbalance and it will end. I just have to ride it out.”
The worst part is when your loved ones don’t fully get it and they end up having to face the mess that you are. There have been plenty of moments where I have said or done things I didn’t mean. Most of this is because all of my negative emotions are heightened. Something that would have simply annoyed me normally puts me into a full on rage. It’s not fair. To them or to me.
As I write this, I am currently having one of those “down days”. I know people look at my perfect looking social media life and don’t get it. How could I feel this way when I have so much? But I guess depression is the great equalizer. Doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, where you’re from… it can infect us all.
So what do I do now? I wait it out. I go through a list of things I am thankful for in my head. I do little things that make me happy (even if I don’t want to) like a face mask or a long shower or a massage. And when it’s gone I will not give that beast a second thought, because it doesn’t deserve the attention. What I will focus on during both my good and bad days is the positive. And that’s how I get through it.
If you ever need someone to talk to about what you are going through, I am always here to help. Just message me and I’ll be your shoulder to lean on.